yesterday’s session with my counselor was particularly beneficial to me.
for more than 2/3rds of my life, i’ve really been hesitant to speak up, to say what’s on my mind. i justified this by saying that i would rarely be in a position to have to ask for forgiveness for what i said, because i didn’t speak up all that much.
i’m not saying that biting my tongue is a bad thing – don’t get me wrong – what i am saying is that my “holding back” my thoughts and how i’ve felt about things has been just as damaging in my relationships. bottom line: people struggle to get to know the real me because i’m busy censoring myself over every thought that entered my mind.
i’m not saying that i’ve got this all figured out – heck, i just finally grasped that it’s okay for me to cry; something i haven’t done much of in twenty-plus years – but what i am saying is that i am on my way to speaking up for myself, sharing more of me with those who love me and want to know me.
…and that feels amazing.
i’ve a theory (one that i have been entertaining in my mind for quite a while now) that life is relatively simple, that it is my own devices that make it so complicated.
i’m always second-guessing myself with what i say to friends, even more so to my closest of friends: wondering how i could have said this or that differently, questioning if what i said was misconstrued for something completely different.
i’ve this constant battle that words spoken have to be precise, neat. many times i’ll simply remain quiet rather than speak my mind just because i fear people thinking less of me because of my inability to articulate what i feel, what i believe.
i’m slowly learning that life doesn’t have to be complex. i’m coming to realize that all i have to do is show up, be myself, and allow life to happen to me. rather than constantly worrying about my words, i’m understanding that heartspeak is never wrong – how could the language your heart speaks be anything other than the very core of who you are?
“one day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”
― jack kerouac
well, that didn’t last long, did it? (my goal of showing up and writing something here every day this month)
oh well. let’s just see how often i can show up this month then.
this morning in our way in to work, lovely and i were talking about something i found amusing, to which i replied, “it was a hoot!”
she then quickly commented about how she’s amused by my antiquated words – “it was a hoot?!?” she replied, laughing.
“your mom’s a hoot!” i quickly retorted.
i defended myself later on twitter by saying “owls are in right now, right?”
all of that got me thinking about how i am getting older – it’s little things like this (saying an old phrase) that just reminds me of it.
i’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that some of the people i hang out with weren’t even alive when nirvana’s nevermind hit stores. still trying to remember that there are friends who do not recall there ever being an east germany and a west germany. still grappling with the thought that i know people who entirely missed the 80s.
i absolutely adore my circle of friends. they range from a few months old to their late 80s / early 90s. each one teaches me so much about love, about life, and about how beautiful all of it can be.
life’s a hoot.
currently listening to (and cannot get out of my head, for that matter) – “Hurt” – Johnny Cash covering NIN (it gives me shivers every time i listen to it…)
the weather report promises warm weather this weekend in seattle. if you’ve never been to seattle, let me just say this: the weather is always incredible here – always.
there are some folks who would disagree with me about this – i mean, how can rain be wonderful? truth be told, i love all kinds of weather, and i do not believe one is particularly “bad” – everything is beautiful in it’s own amazing right, every day is meant to be celebrated for what it is – not compared to what it is not.
tonight, i’m getting together with a group of friends to celebrate a friend who managed to survive another trip around the sun. we’ll sing songs late into the night, drink heavily poured drinks, and enjoy the merriment and wonder of friendship.
as for the rest of the weekend, i’ve plans to spend time with friends, hopes of geocaching, books to curl up with, and my cats to cuddle with.
the windows at home are open – spring is here – outside the bedroom window, frogs sing their songs late into the night. there’s simply nothing like falling asleep with a cat on the bed, window wide open, being serenaded by amphibians. it’s as if they are singing only for my pleasure.
in my quest for cultivating a creative life, i’ve been snapping a photograph a day for a series i’ve been doing titled life 365. it’s my small attempt to be creative in the form of photography. while all of the photographs are posted on instagram (& occasionally facebook), i will try to post a few here from time to time. today’s photograph was taken while i was riding shotgun upstairs on a double-decker bus while traveling across lake union on interstate 5′s express lanes.
i hope you find something beautiful this weekend. i hope that you love it fully, to the best of your ability. i hope you love.