learning to express myself

there were a lot of things that were cliche about my night last night: the name tags (which were only missing the “hi, my name is…” prefix), the church-coffee, and even the “hello, my name is _______ and i’m a _______”.

going to a support group can be cliche on some levels, but very healing on other levels.  i was met with a feeling of openness and honesty, of admitting (along with other people) that i don’t have this thing called life figured out, that i don’t have it all together and it’s ok because i’m not the only one trying to navigate these waters in a sinking ship.

the thing i appreciated more than anything about last night was the honesty – far too often i am overwhelmed with surface-level relationships and answers to the “how are you doing?” questions. ( i realize that we can’t have meaningful conversations with everyone we come in contact with, but a few more than normal would certainly be nice…)  i appreciated the honesty because it made me realize that i’m just as ____ed up as the next person.

while i have lots of struggles, the two that i mentioned last night were anxiety and honesty.  i’m sure many can relate to struggles with anxiety and the troubles that that can bring to your life, but let me explain myself when it comes to honesty: i have a difficult time allowing people in to my life – really in to it.  i have a difficult time trusting people with my true feelings.  i struggle with maintaining close friendships because of my inability to allow people to get to know me for me.

it’s tiring, really, and i think that it has finally caught up with me.

i’m slowly learning how to trust people – how to let them know (a little bit at a time) more of me and what makes me tick.  it’s not going to be an overnight process, and i realize that many of my friendships will never reach this level of intimacy where i can be complete honest, but i’m slowly starting to let more people in to see me.

i’m going back to the group next thursday night.  i’m sure that i will have dealt with anxiety and honesty issues between yesterday and next week – but you know what?  that’s ok – it’s ok because i’m on the right path, i’m making progress towards my goal of being a complete person.

traveling mercies.

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One thought on “learning to express myself

  1. You’re not alone with the trust issue. There is only a handful of people that truly know who I am, as well. It’s HARD work distrusting everyone though. It’s probably more tiring to distrust them than to actually give up a little bit of that “control” and trust them. Giving someone the power to hurt you in whatever way they want, is a chance that you will always take trusting. But, the benefits & gifts of having people around you that you trust & can share with…far outweigh that chance of hurt. Easier said than done, my friend–I know. Good job in confronting your issues. :)

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